| Something's Always Wrong | |||
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 (7/30/2003 06:38:00 PM) Not Very Gay Dubya is looking into getting a federal law (and, if I'm reading it right, a Constitutional Amendment) passed that would define marriage as a bond only between and man and a woman. Way to unite, not divide, George. Archive (0) comments (7/30/2003 06:34:00 PM) Syd Field's Kind of News Sharon Waxman of the Washington Post laments the poor box office takes of (generally) good films. If she's looking for someone to blame, why not critics like Scot Lehigh of the Boston Globe Magazine, who apparently has trouble following any sort of slight deviation from straightforward, three-act, no-twist narrative. Disclaimer: I agree that Vanilla Sky and the "Matrix" series are painful to watch, but for reasons other than "I didn't understand." I'd hate to see what Lehigh thought of "Fight Club," "Adaptation," or even "Rashomon." Archive (0) comments (7/30/2003 06:26:00 PM) Market Crash The Pentagon wants to set up a website that would allow people to essentially bet on (or buy futures in) the the future assassinations of world leaders, terrorist attacks, and the like, was roundly condemned by two Democratic senators, one of whom is Ron Wyden of Oregon. Supporters who claim that the betting could be used as "intelligence information" are apparently lacking a little "intelligence" themselves. If we found out that, say, Albania had a website to predict whether Dubya would be gunned down, I guarantee we'd have troops in Albania by the end of the week. That's not to mention what could happen if some nut decided to bet a ton on an assassination, or, heaven forbid, a bombing, and then try to collect by pulling it off himself. The plan is suppoesd to cost 3/4 of a million dollars this year, and $8 million over the next two years. Update: Due to the backlash, the plan has been killed. Archive (0) comments Monday, July 28, 2003 (7/28/2003 01:02:00 PM) Against the Wind Bob Seger has nothing on Dick Ericson, a Metrodome worker who claims he adjusted the Dome's air conditioning to help the Twins and hurt their foes from 1982-1995. Ericson writes it off as being part of "homefield advantage," and said he doesn't feel the slightest bit guilty about his actions. Apparently, nobody in the Twins front office told Ericson to do this or was aware of it. Thankfully, due to the team's mediocre record through most of Ericson's tenure, there isn't much evidence that his help worked--heck, the Dome's roof was probably a larger factor in homefield advantage than the air conditioning. After all, even in the age of the home run, no Twin has hit 30 since 1991. Archive (0) comments (7/28/2003 12:51:00 PM) Losing Hope Bob Hope passed away last night at the age of 100. Unlike 2001, when CNN accidentally released a pre-written story about him dying at age 98, this one has been confirmed. The picture and layout haven't changed in two years, however. 
Circa 2001
Archive (0) comments Friday, July 25, 2003 (7/25/2003 08:12:00 PM) Bambi's Alternate Ending Michael Burdick, the man behind the disturbing "Hunting For Bambi" phenomenon, in which men reportedly paid thousands of dollars to "hunt" naked women with paintball guns, now says it was a hoax. Archive (0) comments (7/25/2003 07:04:00 PM) They Ain't Lion The NFL fined Detroit Lions president Matt Millen 200 grand today for not interviewing a minority candidate for an open head coaching position. According to the Lions, five minority candidates refused to interview, as they figured Mariucci was a lock for the job, anyway (which he was). Gene Upshaw, executive director of the NFL Players' Association, said, "The Detroit Lions gave mere lip service to the agreed-upon minority hiring process." Are you kidding me? Wouldn't offering an interview to a guy just because he's black in order to circumvent a (well intentioned) rule be "paying lip service?" The Lions were realistic. They knew the guy they wanted, and he was willing to coach the team. No more interviews necessary. I understand and support the NFL's desire to attract more minority head coaches, but Millen was talking with Steve Mariucci. If this were a team that didn't have one specific guy they wanted to coach, the rule makes sense. But they were going after one of the NFL's most successful coaches. He was going to be hired; why waste other people's time? Furthermore, why waste black people's time or falsely inflate their hopes of coaching the Lions, simply because of the color of their skin? Update: The Lions are ticked, and may be appealing the fine. If that is the case, it will be the only instance of the Lions being appealing all year. Archive (0) comments (7/25/2003 06:54:00 PM) Deja Vu Another elderly man drove through another crowded farmer's market today, injuring six. According to the driver, 79-year-old Louis Nirenstein, the gas pedal was stuck. Strange how that happens so often in cars driven by the elderly. Archive (0) comments (7/25/2003 04:59:00 PM) Wow Julia Rose, an exercise advocate/aspiring singer/songwriter has been banned from a Border's Books in Virginia for saying that Dubya has skinny "chicken legs." That's it. Since when did the party of "PC sucks/Hillary is a Satanic lesbian/Anita Hill is a whore/gays don't deserve equal rights/Chelsea Clinton is ugly/the civil rights movement was 'all those problems'" get so damned sensitive? ...or maybe it's all just a publicity stunt by an aspiring singer/songwriter. Archive (0) comments Thursday, July 24, 2003 (7/24/2003 10:59:00 PM) I'm Missing Rob Neyer? I'm missing Rob Neyer, who is visiting Boston Saturday night to do a reading and talk baseball. On the other hand, I'm missing Rob Neyer because I'm getting paid to cover a semi-pro football game for a daily newspaper--the fifth story in my two-week career as a stringer. It's not a lot, but I'm getting paid to write about sports, which is the basic idea. Now I just need to improve the frequency and rate of pay. Archive (0) comments Wednesday, July 23, 2003 (7/23/2003 08:44:00 PM) One-Year Reign I don't even need to watch the rest of the season to know that the Twins are going to miss the playoffs, barring a huge change in the way they are managed. Case in point: tonight's fourth inning. The leadoff batter, Doug Mientkiewicz, walked. Torii Hunter struck out. Not content to have a slow white guy on first base, Ron Gardenhire put on the delayed steal, and Minky was easily thrown out. So with two outs and nobody on, A.J. Pierzynski singles and Royals pitcher Jeremy Affeldt's next pitch hits Fatty LeCroy. We could have had the bases juiced with one out, but that was too good for Gardy. Jacque Jones comes up and gets ahead in the count, 3-0. "Great," I think. "He's finally showing some plate discipline." Not so. Like an idiot, Gardenhire has apparently given Jones, one of the freest swingers on the club, the green light on 3 and 0. Needless to say, Jones swings and pops it up. Want more evidence? Let's go all the way back to the first inning. Leadoff hitter Shannon "slightly worse than Bobby Kielty in every way" Stewart singles. Good for him. Gardy sends Stewart, who has the grand total of one stolen base this year. Stew is out, and we've wasted a baserunner. Luis "Oh-For-ThRivas" (thanks to Gleeman for the nickname) obviously strikes out, and there are two out with nobody on, instead of one out with a runner on first. So what happens next? Of course. Doug Mientkiewicz doubles--a hit that either would have scored Stewart, or at the very least would have put two runners in scoring position with one out. Torii Hunter flew out for the third out of the inning--though if Gardy wasn't so "aggressive" (read: stupid) on the basepaths, it would have been a sacrifice fly. It's time for Gardy to realize that this team has no clue how to steal bases. He shouldn't give the steal sign again, period, until someone teaches this team how to read a pitcher's motion and get a good jump. Stolen bases aren't the offensive weapon Gardy seems to believe they are. So far today, two failed attempts have taken the Twins out of rallies, and the one inning in which the Twins stole a base (Jones stole 2nd and 3rd in the second inning with two out--why steal third with two out when a hit will drive the runner in from second anyway??), they didn't score. Yes, they are a "young" team, but that excuse won't work for long. They're a fast team, too. Let's see them use that speed in a productive manner. Archive (0) comments (7/23/2003 08:11:00 PM) Border Redundancy Taco Bell's new commercials tout acontest that will give one lucky customer free gas for 12 months. I find this strange, as Taco Bell has been giving me free gas for years. Archive (0) comments (7/23/2003 06:29:00 PM) 10% Off the Top SportsCenter just wasted six minutes in a People-like rundown of Hollywood movies, tying them ever-so-loosely to the fact that the actors like sports. I'm sorry. I love movies and I love sports, but the last thing I want to see on ESPN is what amounts to a 6-minute commercial for "Gigli," Justin Timberlake, and "Freddy vs. Jason," all hosted by the (blonde and peppy) Alex Flanagan. Leave it on E! where it belongs, people. Archive (0) comments (7/23/2003 04:32:00 PM) Bipartisan Bill Former President Clinton, calling in to Larry King Live yesterday, took the blame off Dubya for the Uranium/CIA snafu. After all the crap thrown at him by the right during his time in office, it is impressive that Clinton was able to tell people to get off Bush's back, even though misleading the country about nukes is much worse than misleading the country about a blowjob. Archive (0) comments (7/23/2003 04:12:00 PM) Leading the Blind This story is tragic. Brianna Nelson, a blind girl attending to a camp for blind children, drowned after her blind counselors couldn't find her in the water. But the worst part is this quote from her father, Carl Nelson: "There's no blame here -- it was just her time to go." Just her time to go?? She was, literally, the blind being led by the blind, not an 88-year-old cancer victim! How fatalist and simplistic can you get? And how cold can you be to dismiss your daughter's death (a death that could easily have been prevented) as something that was just preordained--as though she would have died at that moment, regardless of where she was? Here's a quote from the Joyce Scanlan, executive director of Blind, Inc. (what a name!), the company that sponsored the camp: "When something like this happens, you do think about the fact they were blind and wonder. But I believe that blindness -- either in the child or the counselors -- had nothing to do with this. There are many sighted children who also drown." Right. Because seeing the drowning child wouldn't have helped find her any faster. There are many sighted people who can't drive very well, but that's no excuse to start handing out licenses to the blind. Look, I'm further left politically than most people who read this blog. I'm all for persons with disabilities being empowered and encouraged to live independently, provided they know their limitations. I have terrible vision and a worse sense of direction. But I don't run around the city without my contacts and a map. The fact is, when you have a camp for blind children and you leave them under the care of blind counselors while at the beach, you are playing with fire. And if I were the parent of a blind child, like Carl Nelson, I would certainly not send my seven-year-old daughter to a camp where she would be supervised by blind counselors at the beach. Furthermore, when she died, I wouldn't think of just throwing my hands up in the air and claiming that it was unavoidable and blameless. In a case like this, there is plenty of blame to go around. Archive (0) comments (7/23/2003 03:56:00 PM) Nucular Libarry John LeBoutillier and Richard Erickson have plans to open a "Counter-Clinton Library" mere blocks from where Clinton's Presidential Library is supposed to open next year. The library will ostensibly have stacks of evidence "proving" that Clinton wasn't responsible for the economic boom of the mid-to-late 90s. Everybody should realize that the President's influence over the economy is inflated more than a quarterback's influence over a football team. Clinton didn't have as much to do with the boom as people would think, and Dubya isn't fully to blame for the massive (a record $450 billion this year alone--not including the war in Iraq) debt that has accumulated since he came into office. There is certainly some control there (stupid tax cuts that rely on "future" budget surpluses that never come, for instance), but not as much as is thought. And don't think for a second that the library will just be about economics. If the word "Lewinsky," "didn't inhale," "draft dodger," or "stained blue dress" (now that would be one hell of an interactive exhibit!) manage to escape the library, I'll eat my hat. The saddest part about the library, however, is that it has solicited "thousands" of donations, at an average of $72 apiece. Had those people who were so interested in smearing Clinton's record four years after he left office decided to put their money towards a worthwhile charity, or even spend it on consumer goods to stimulate the economy, they could live knowing that they did their part to help the country. Given the choice between helping the economy or spending it to see someone blamed for its poor condition, these people actually chose to spend their money to cast doubt on a presidency that began over a decade ago. Unfortunately, like the people who picket abortion clinics every weekend when they could be volunteering at soup kitchens, the energy of those who have donated to the library is misdirected and wasted. Anyway, the library just about reaches the pinnacle of tacky anti-Clinton partisanship. By the time it opens, Bill will have been out of office for four years. Four years. And yet the response heard most often when people criticize Bush is "well, Clinton lied about a blowjob." The Democratic party has a great opening right now to regain power in 2004, just as long as Republicans keep looking back toward Clinton. Hell, maybe Bill could run a little interference for the Dems next summer so Republican energies won't be focused on winning the Presidentiary. The only problem is, do the Democrats have a leader strong enough to take control of the party? Maybe they could run a "Chief by Committee," in which Edwards, Kerry, and Dean each trade weeks running the country, with Sharpton getting two Sundays a month, just to keep him quiet. Archive (0) comments (7/23/2003 03:37:00 PM) Smoking Kills Shots were fired in New York City's City Hall today. According to Steve Silver, there was a anti-smoking ban demonstration in New York this afternoon, as well. Whether the two are related, I don't know. But having seen how smokers behave when they're irritated, the connection isn't far-fetched. Update Sadly, James Davis, a councilman from Brooklyn, died of gunshot wounds. The shooter was killed by police gunfire, raising the death toll to two. Archive (0) comments Tuesday, July 22, 2003 (7/22/2003 08:08:00 PM) What a Howl! Latrell Spreewell may be going to the Wolves as part of a blockbuster four-team deal that allows the Timberpuppies to finally rid themselves of Terrell Brandon's contract. The Atlanta Hawks get the contract, but ship Glenn "Big Dog" Robinson to Philadelphia. Is Robinson that much of a pain for them to willingly pay a (possibly permanently) injured player's salary just to get rid of him? Anyway, the Knicks would get Keith van Horn from the Philadelphia 76ers, which completes the deal. Of course, this makes a ton of sense on the Timberwolves' side. Who better to join a team of playoff chokers than the man who once tried to strangle his own coach? Archive (0) comments (7/22/2003 07:45:00 PM) Thank Goodness California Has Mandatory Elderly Driver Testing Henry Wustuk, 85, of North Hollywood, not only confused "forward" and "reverse," he also had difficulty figuring out which pedal controlled the brake and which controlled the accelerator--two huge mix-ups within the span of 5 seconds. The best part? He was at the local DMV for a driving test. Needless to say, the license was revoked. Archive (0) comments (7/22/2003 07:42:00 PM) Fresh Off the Griddle People who claimed Kansas was as flat as a pancake were wrong. It's flatter. Archive (0) comments (7/22/2003 01:35:00 PM) Qusai, Odai, and I Say Hello Saddam Hussein's sons are believed to have been killed in a firefight. Update: It's true; they identified the bodies. Archive (0) comments Sunday, July 20, 2003 (7/20/2003 05:05:00 PM) Pre-Pre-Emptive Strikes Oliver Willis tells us about the air strikes Rummy ordered before we went to war with Iraq. Bad enough, but this quote from the New York Times is the kicker: Air war commanders were required to obtain the approval of Defense Secretary Donald L. Rumsfeld if any planned airstrike was thought likely to result in deaths of more than 30 civilians. More than 50 such strikes were proposed, and all of them were approved.If each of those strikes resulted in 60 civilians, it would be 3,000--roughly the number of American civilians who died in the 9/11 attacks--all before we officially went to war. If each strike "only" killed 30, that's still over halfway there. Archive (0) comments (7/20/2003 05:00:00 PM) Double Trouble Fox News reports that Russell Weller, the man who drove through the farmer's market in San Francisco, may have been fleeing another accident, in which he hit a Mercedes. Weller, whose neighbors described him as "mentally sharp" and "alert" killed 10 people and wounded more than 50. You also might notice that at the bottom of the "mentally alert" story, there is a quote about Weller being a Democrat. Fair and balanced. To prove that some places have already gotten the message, here is a list of the states that have special drivers license requirements for the elderly. Archive (0) comments Friday, July 18, 2003 (7/18/2003 12:09:00 AM) Day One of Trade New World Kielty: 3-4 with a homer. Stewart: 0-5. Yeah, it's a small sample size, but it doesn't bode well for the future. At least the Twins won. Archive (0) comments (7/18/2003 12:04:00 AM) Rose Update, Sort of Not much of consequence happened during the live portion of the Rose trial, but I will report tomorrow on the few things that did. Archive (0) comments Thursday, July 17, 2003 (7/17/2003 06:38:00 PM) Rose On Trial Just got back from the filming of Pete Rose on Trial--here's the recap. My friend and roommate Jill "The Tall Tall Girl From the Small Small State" Passano works at Harvard Law School, and through her connections, was able to get me a press pass as a "journalist." Yes, I do some stringer work for the Norwood Bulletin, but after calling a dozen papers yesterday, I still couldn't find anyone willing to pay me for a story. Luckily, I was able to convince the people in charge (including two ESPN employees) that I was legit. I also ripped off a Diet Coke that was for crew only. Hoarding food--if that's not a classic sportswriter trait, I don't know what is. So I get there at 1:15 (thanks, unemployment!) and find a seat directly behind a bunch of important looking men. On closer examination, they are, holy crap, the witnesses! I am literally breathing the same air as Bill James, Dave Parker, Bill "Spaceman" Lee, and Steve Garvey! Meanwhile, ESPN crew people, any one of whom has a job I would relish, are running around like 4-legged chicken. I'm sitting in the middle of my wet dream. Thinking about it, I really should have come more prepared--who knew I'd be so close to such influential people? I could even have handed James my Red Sox application! Bob Ley is down front. He looks about three times better with a suitcoat on than when he's just in a white shirt. He's a big guy. Karen Guregian from the Boston Herald is sitting near me. She must be the one they told me was "already covering the story" when I pitched it to them yesterday. She doesn't look happy to be here, especially after I tell her (erroneously, as it turned out), that the seat she was in was reserved for witnesses. As is the case most times I try to make media contacts, the nicest people are the freelancers--the ones who have nothing to offer you, job-wise. The audience arrives at 1:40. Yeah, they get to sit closer than I do, but did they get free soda? Catherine Crier takes her place behind the bench. And there's Dersh (Alan Dershowitz)! Wonder how he'll do as a prosecuting attorney. Wonder what rhymes Johnny Cochran will come up with. "His hits were legit, so you must acquit?" "He played the game, now give him some Fame?" "Fine him, then enshrine him?" The stage manager looks like a Grateful Dead roadie. They start with a Pete Rose montage--chronicling his career highlights (hit record, running into Ray Fosse, fighting with Bud Harrelson). Bob Ley's pre-taped stand-up comes on. "Only immortals are in the Hall of Fame," he says. Someone better tell Ray Schalk. Between them, Dersh and Johnny have defended Klaus von Bulow, Michael Milliken, Mike Tyson, Michael Jackson (what's up with the Michaels?), Sean "Puffy," "Puff Daddy," "P-Diddy," "Talentless Hack" Combs, and of course, Mr. OJ Simpson. Catherine Crier is the youngest state judge elected in Texas history. And if that doesn't impress you, did you know she had a show on Court TV? Opening argument time. Dersh flashes Cochran a big smile as he begins. Oh, it's one of those mock trials. Anyway, Dersh uses the "I love Pete Rose and want to see him in the Hall, but a rule's a rule" argument. Cochran starts his case. He is wearing a U-G-L-Y (you ain't got no alibi) blue suit. Come to think of it, that mustache should go, too. Anyway, he sounds just like the guy who used to parody him on Seinfeld. He calls the people quoted in the Dowd report "snitches." I feel so patronized; could he not have come up with a better word? He may as well have said "Jansen is a no-good dirty Welsher." Strangely, both lawyers told the jury to "do the right thing." Ah yes, and lest we believe that Johnny has changed, he pulls out his first rhyme of the night: "If you take out everybody in the Hall of Fame with a character flaw, it wouldn't be the Hall of Fame, it would be the Hall of Shame." Thanks, Johnny. We've heard that one before. First witness for the prosecution: Lester Mason, who looks like Billy Graham. Lester writes about athletes gone bad for Sports Illustrated. Dersh lets Lester talk about the Dowd report, Rose's fingerprints on baseball betting slips, fake checks, et al. Johnny starts his cross-examination with a reference to the University of Chicago Law School as the best law school on the south side of Chicago. Dersh objects. Haha. Would have been funnier had he understood that Johnny said "on the south side of Chicago," not "in the world," Mr. Harvard Man. Anyway, Johnny's big point here is that the rule that says the Hall won't admit any players on baseball's permanently ineligible list was created in 1991--two years after Rose signed the agreement to be permanently banned (with an unspoken agreement that he would be allowed into the Hall). Johnny blames Fay Vincent, who witnessed the signing, for changing the rule when he became commissioner (Commissioner Giamatti had a fatal heart attack a month after Rose signed the agreement). Johnny has a point. He also brings up the fact that part of the agreement stipulated that MLB would present no findings about Rose's alleged gambling and that they would not contradict the agreement, which stated that it was neither an admission nor a denial of Rose's guilt. Dersh contends that Shoeless Joe was still banned before the new rule, but on the other hand, it would be hard for Shoeless Joe to apply for reinstatement, as he has been dead for decades. In addition, Shoeless Joe admitted he accepted money to throw the 1919 World Series; Rose made no admissions regarding betting on baseball. Dersh calls Jim Palmer to the stand--but Palmer already underwent questioning and cross-examination a few days ago. They play the video for us. Palmer still looks quite young, but I can't shake the fact that this is the voice that keeps trying to get me to call The Money Store for my credit problems. Anyway, Palmer thinks Pete should admit his sins, and then maybe he could get in. Johnny asks whether Palmer realized how much it would cost to fight the entity of MLB. Dersh reminds Johnny that various "prominent" lawyers offered to take Pete's case for free. Wonder if that group includes Dersh. The next video package reminds us that Leo Durocher was suspended for a year for hanging out with gamblers, and Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle were suspended when they did some work for a casino after retiring. The decision was reversed in 1985 by the great Peter Ueberroth. Man, we need another commissioner like him. Dersh calls Dr. John Grant from Brown U, which will be my brother's alma mater once he graduates next May. (From the Simpsons: "Hey Otto, weren't you at Brown?" "Yeah, almost got tenure, too.") Grant testifies that people in debt will do outrageous things, and that a gambler has to admit he has a problem before he can be helped. Johnny gets Grant to admit that gambling addiction is a sickness, like alcoholism or drug addiction, and that MLB could benefit from someone like Grant educating the players about said addiction. Steve Garvey is Dersh's fourth witness. He testifies that every spring training, someone tells all the players about rule 21D: don't gamble on the game, or you're barred for life. Garvey likes Pete personally, but "he has a problem, and that's gambling." Garvey says the one thing missing from Pete's life is the Hall of Fame. Johnny does a poor job on cross-examination, basically informing Garvey of various facts without really getting him to present any information. After they cut, Garvey is confused over whether he should stay in the witness chair or not--finally, sheepishly, he does, but not before the audience is laughing at him. These are the insights you only get with someone who was actually there! Dersh calls Dan Shaughnessy, who writes for the Boston Globe. Dan offers a quick recap of the Black Sox scandal, then reminds Dersh that there was no Hall of Fame voting until the 1940s, so Shoeless Joe wasn't banned from the Hall until well after he had retired. Dan reminds us that Pete already is in the Hall in many ways--his balls, his records--just no plaque. He says Pete loved betting more than he loved baseball. Johnny comes in and Dan admits that when Pete signed the agreement, he expected to be on the Hall of Fame ballot in a year. Johnny again goes off on how Fay Vincent changed the rules. Dan says, "the commissioner can do anything he wants...it's not like a courtroom; he has ultimate power." At this, the judge laughs. Johnny starts comparing Vincent to a king, and says that if the people want something, the King should not acquiesce. Only Johnny didn't say acquiesce; heaven forbid he use a word that large in front of a jury. One last funny note: Dan said that one good thing to come out of Buckner's error in the '86 Series was that nobody thought he was gambling, and therefore, baseball had regained the trust lost in the Black Sox scandal. Dersh tells Dan, "you're the only person who found anything good about Buckner's error." Well, except for Mets fans, Dersh. Way to play the hometown crowd, though. Now it's time for the defense's witnesses. Johnny leads off with a big hitter: Hank Aaron (on video). Unfortunately, it is soon evident that Hammerin' Hank is only there as a big name, not as someone particularly knowledgable about Rose's situation. Aaron tells Johnny that Rose got a bigger ovation at the "All Century Team" awards in Atlanta than he did--and he used to be a Brave! The audience laughs good-naturedly. Aaron's lack of knowledge about the situation plays right into Dersh's hands. Dersh asks Aaron, "If I proved that Pete Rose bet on baseball, would you change your mind?" Aaron says yes. Dersh gives the betting slip and phone call evidence, and Aaron sort of skirts around it. He finally says that if Pete admitted he bet on baseball, it would be to his advantage. You know what's weird? They set the clock in the room ahead five hours, so when it shows up on camera, it will look live. Another video package. They keep throwing out the 4,192 hits, but if I recall correctly, the people at Total Baseball found that Cobb had been credited with a couple too many, and thus, Rose broke the record with hit number 4,190. This info came too late for Eric Show, the pitcher who gave up the hit, who tragically committed suicide partially due to the shame he felt in doing so. In the video, Frank Defore quotes Richie Ashburn as saying that Rose "was the most obsessive person I've ever seen," especially regarding baseball, sex, and gambling. Johnny calls Arnie Wexler. With a name like that, who'd'a thunk he'd be a tough-looking former compulsive gambler from Jersey? Wexler reveals that current professional baseball and football players have called his 1-800-LAST-BET hotline, trying to stop their compulsive gambling. He says sports need to get proactive about the issue. Johnny should figure out a way to ask Dersh if he thought all these players should be kicked out of the game, but he doesn't. Dersh counters again with the "You have to admit you need help" argument, but Wexler reminds him that MLB sends its drug and alcohol addicts into treatment and accepts them back, while it either ignores or kicks out compulsive gamblers--people with the same basic problem. Wexler also reminds Dersh that Rose admitted being a compulsive gambler on "Donahue" back in 1989--the year he was banned. Another video montage, including Mike Schmidt's induction speech, in which he advocated Rose's enshrinement, to thunderous applause. Johnny calls Bill James. There he is, the man whose mind and obsession with numbers and the scientific method changed the way millions of people think about baseball. During the previous commercial break, a male reporter near me tries to explain a little about James and sabermetrics. He's talking out of his ass as though he were Joe Morgan. Interesting thing about Bill James. He introduces himself as a baseball writer first, Red Sox employee second. James thinks that 14 years is a long enough time to make a point about gambling being bad, and that it's time to let it go. He also brings up the cases of pro football stars Paul Hornung and Alex Karras (Mr. Papadapolis on "Webster"), who bet on football, admitted it, and were suspended for a year, with the league no worse for allowing them back. He tells Johnny that when Rose signed the agreement, he was still officially eligible for the Hall of Fame. In comes Dersh, teeth bared. Bam! "You claimed Jansen's girlfriend failed a lie detector test." "You made it up." "Look on page 52." James tries to say that he saw an earlier version of the report, and that he heard she failed the test on 20/20, but Dersh won't let him speak. Bam! "You're wrong!" "Did she fail the test or did you make a serious mistake?" James says, "I've made my serious mistake, but that's not one of them." "It's been reported that..." Bam! "It's been reported? Is that how you get your info?" Dersh is going nuts! People are getting uncomfortable. James tries to say that two bookie-types quoted in the Dowd report are not credible (one never met Rose, and both are shady guys to begin with), when BAM! "Have you even read it?" James misspeaks regarding an incorrect day of the year, and Dersh is on it like Oprah on the beef industry. "What was it, the 367th day of the year?" Finally, the judge orders Dersh off James, and Johnny comes in for his redirect. James tells Johnny that indeed 50 players have spent time on the permently ineligible list have gotten in, including Negro Leaguers and a few others who got in once rules were changed. Without Fay Vincent, James thinks Rose would be in the Hall already. Johnny is done, but Dersh wants to ask another question. Asshole. Naturally, the judge says "no further questions." Dersh persists. "But it's a good one." Give it up, Dersh. You're whining like Blair Hornstine. They introduce Bill Lee as a "celebrated free-thinker." Which, of course, either means crazy or druggie. Johnny asks him a question, and we cut--there's no audio. "Excuse moi?" asks Lee. Yet another example of something you'll never see on ESPN, but you can read for free right here. Lee has the audience in stitches. He mentions his book about "revisionist Red Sox history," in which the Sox win all the time while the Yankees lose, and the crowd erupts into cheers. Lee talks about pitcher Gaylord Perry's K-Y Jelly balls--which, you have to admit, is a funny phrase--and mentions that he once deliberately showed the umpire he was throwing spitballs, but nothing happened to him. He says Rose is a "pain in the ass," but he was the "greatest two-strike hitter ever." He also says that cheating is inherent in baseball, and that Rose never played a game to lose. He thinks betting carries too much of a stigma, and that Rose should be in the Hall right next to Charles Comiskey--the man who, had he actually paid his players on-time and with decent wages, could have singlehandedly avoided the Black Sox scandal. Lee goes into former Red Sox owner Tom Yawkey's racism, and tells us the story of Ed DeBartolo, who attempted to buy a baseball team, but was rejected because he owned a racetrack. Other owners had racehorses, but a track was too much. DeBartolo now owns the San Francisco 49ers, and there have been no problems in the NFL stemming from his track ownership. Lee concludes by saying it's time to forgive and forget, and after Johnny says, "you're not gonna hang him?" Lee responds with, "not unless I do it myself." Lee, a mock trial witness, walks off to huge applause. Dave Parker comes on as the final witness. He played with and for Rose, and never saw any impropriety. Parker admitted drug use back in the 70s, and wasn't kicked out of baseball. He, too, wants Rose to apologize if he bet on baseball--which, again, Parker never saw happen. Dersh sets himself up for a joke by asking Parker whether Rose had "two strikes against him." When Parker agrees, Dersh says Pete was a good two-strike hitter. Nice try, Dersh. Before closing arguments begin, Dersh wants the jury to answer two questions instead of one. The original question was whether Rose should be in the Hall of Fame. Dersh wants the jury to answer whether they think he bet on baseball, and, if so, whether they think he belongs in the Hall. Given Johnny's previous diatribe against the evils of changing the rules in the middle of something, he obviously disagrees. So does the judge. Johnny has the first closing argument. Here's the theme: Enough is enough. He repeats it, for the hard of hearing. He says the Hall of Fame is a museum, and you wouldn't keep Van Gogh out of the Louvre due to a drinking problem, would you? Johnny brings back the concept of snitches and how bad they are (especially the ones with stars on their bellies...oh, wait, that's Sneetches). He talks about how baseball's higher-ups were convinced of Rose's guilt before the Dowd Report came out, and once again compares baseball comissioner to king. If we weren't in such a lily-white town, this is where the race card would have been played. Johnny is really getting into it. He sounds like a stereotypical southern preacher. I'm listening for an "A-men, brother!" but one never comes. Johnny finishes up by saying, "It's time to bring Pete Rose home--home to the Hall of Fame. You have the power to do the right thing." Funny how that whole "right thing" didn't come up during the OJ trial. Dersh opens his closing by saying he loves baseball and Rose. OK, we get it, Dersh. You're the sympathetic guy who hates to be the one to have to enforce the rules. Dersh repeats a mantra I've now heard at least a half-dozen times: baseball is a game of rules. Very few games don't have rules, but hey, who's counting? Dersh makes a good point regarding Johnny's arguments: Johnny is saying two things-- 1) That Rose didn't bet on baseball, and 2) That even if he did, it's irrelevant. Dersh goes back into the sympathetic guy mode. Before he read the Dowd Report, he didn't want to believe that Rose bet on baseball. He'd generate a tear, but I don't think he's capable. He tells the jury to vote for Johnny if they think Rose didn't bet on baseball. He then asks the jury to ask themselves two questions: the same ones he wanted to ask before. Ah, yes, and what would this be without another stupid rhyme? Courtesy of Dersh, with apologies to Johnny: "If you bet on the game, there's no Hall of Fame." Someone hand me a bucket. This is the part of the Gleeman-length entry where I sum things up and throw out my opinion. Both Dersh and Johnny looked like parodies of real people--Dersh of the obnoxious Jewish lawyer (think Mr. Burns' high-pitched lawyer with glasses on the Simpsons) and Johnny of the "preacher man" who wants us to "a-rise up" against the powers that push us down, be they Satan, whitey, or the commissioner of baseball (think Jackie Chiles on Seinfeld). Both men pandered to the audience and both patronized the jury--admittedly this jury was more learned than most they probably see, but nonetheless, they came off poorly. The two lawyers talked past each other a number of times, and both got bogged down in the issue of whether Rose bet on baseball, rather than the issue of whether he should be in the Hall of Fame. I think Cochran would have had a better (bettor? haha) case had he assumed Rose's guilt and gone for the "Fay Vincent changed the rules" defense. After all, most people who want Rose in the Hall are 99.999% sure he's guilty; the desire to see him enshrined is an emotional one. I think these people agree with Bill James when he said that 14 years was enough for baseball to make its point. Besides, when all is said and done, most people aren't likely to change their minds on either side of this emotional issue because of some three-hour mock trial. So yeah, the Internet vote will be overwhelming in favor of Rose and Cochran, and ESPN will have some nice ratings for the night. And Dersh's kid, who works for ESPN and came up with the idea of this trial, will have another nice "created by" credit to put on his resume. Archive (0) comments (7/17/2003 11:31:00 AM) Minnie Minnie Years Minnie Minoso, the ageless wonder, played professional baseball in his seventh different decade last night, when he was the DH for the Saint Paul Saints. Showing a good batting eye, Minoso walked in the first inning before being pulled. He played in the Major Leagues from 1949 to 1964, and came back for batting appearances in 1976, 1980, 1993, and yesterday. Archive (0) comments (7/17/2003 11:28:00 AM) Mandatory Retesting's Greatest Argument Yesterday, an 86-year-old California man drove a Buick through three blocks of a farmer's market, killing 9 and injuring more than 50. The man claims that he confused the brake and accelerator--for three blocks?! What's even more ridiculous is that police released him. Chief James T. Butts (make your own joke) said, "Right now it looks as though there may be some negligence as far as his capacity to drive safely." That's right: the guy plowed through three blocks, killed more people on American soil than Al-Qaeda and SARS combined this year, and there may be some negligence. Witness testimonies vary, but some claim he was accelerating and weaving through the street. When he finally stopped the car, it was resting on top of a woman. Across the country, a 60-year-old Florida man who ran into 14 bicyclers because he claims he "got water in his eye" is going to be hauled into court, but only for a charge of careless driving. Mandatory tests need to be given to drivers over 55. Yes, teens get into more accidents per year, but seniors get into more accidents per capita and per mile driven. They also seem to back into shopping centers more often. "The accelerator got stuck," and "I confused the brake and accelerator," the most common excuses, are not excusable. Teens' problems (carelessness and overconfidence) can be fixed; senior citizens' problems (slowed reaction times, poorer senses of sight and hearing) will just continue to deteriorate. If an 18-year-old ran through hundreds of people in a crowded farmer's market, they'd have dozens of charges filed against them. Somehow, being senile is an excuse for vehicular homicide, but being inexperienced is not. "But I can drive just fine." Good, then pass the test. Then, at least if someone kills another nine innocent people, we'll at least know that they were intentionally breaking the law by driving without a license. Archive (0) comments Wednesday, July 16, 2003 (7/16/2003 06:38:00 PM) Smelling Like Rose I'm going to see Pete Rose's Mock Trial tomorrow at Harvard Law School. Unfortunately, I haven't found a newspaper willing to pay me for an article. So watch here tomorrow afternoon around 4-5 Eastern if you want to read details before the trial is aired on ESPN. Archive (0) comments (7/16/2003 03:45:00 PM) Unfaith-Full of It According to this article, Metallica is suing Canadian band Unfaith for using the E and F chords together in their music--a Metallica staple. Here's Metallica's response. The story has already hit the airwaves, and according to a band member, Rolling Stone is interested in writing an article about it. Problem is, the story is a hoax (though the airwaves/Rolling Stone part is true). The band copied the MTV news and Metallica webpages and posted it to scoopthis.com--a parody/humor site, in an attempt to either get some attention, make fun of Metallica, or both. Some might disagree, but I think they made their point--and if they make any money off this, more (Canadian) power to them. The sad part is, with Lars Ulrich and company's litigious past, most people wouldn't find the story that hard to believe. The even sadder part is that, with Lars Ulrich and company's litigious past, a lawsuit for defamation of character (which is, I believe, covered under satire laws) is forseeable in the near future. Archive (0) comments (7/16/2003 03:13:00 PM) Girls in the Outfield The Minnesota Twins are 2/3 of the way to having a starting outfield comprised of men with typically female names, after acquiring Shannon Stewart from the Toronto Blue Jays. Stewart would join Torii Hunter and Jacque Jones in the Twins outfield. Meanwhile, somebody make sure Aaron "#1 Bobby Kielty Fan" Gleeman isn't around any sharp objects for a few days. Aaron's blog, one of the best baseball weblogs around, has been touting Bobby Kielty as a future Twins star for the better part of a year. Why the Twins would trade outfielders is beyond me. Unless the player to be named later is some unsung power-hitting middle infielder, I think JP Ricciardi fleeced my hometown team. Stewart has a bad outfield arm, and isn't really an upgrade over Kielty offensively. Meanwhile, Kielty is two years younger than Stewart, and is poised to break out--as soon as someone puts his name in the lineup regularly. The only rationale I have for the Twins side of things is this: Stewart is in the last year of his contract. If the Twins let him go as a free agent, I believe they would be awarded a supplemental first round pick in next year's draft. And maybe they'll discover a decent middle infielder (or starting pitcher) there. First Prince, now Bobby Kielty. Who's the next Minnesota celebrity to leave for Toronto, Randy Moss? Archive (0) comments Tuesday, July 15, 2003 (7/15/2003 10:01:00 AM) Under Toe Slate's Rob Walker agrees with my earlier post about those disturbing Lamisil ads. How can they expect you to buy a product when you're afraid to watch the commercial for it? Archive (0) comments (7/15/2003 12:07:00 AM) Moving Across the Field, From Left to Right Dennis Miller is going to look like Karl Marx compared to the new ESPN Sunday NFL Countdown host: Rush Limbaugh. Yeah, I know he's the size of an offensive lineman, but does that qualify him to speak knowledgably about them? Yeah, Rush generates a lot of offense, but it's really the wrong kind. Archive (0) comments (7/15/2003 12:03:00 AM) My New Hero In addition to helping one of my fantasy teams into first place (so far), Bret Boone went off on Bud Selig earlier today. It's about time a player did this publicly. Archive (0) comments Friday, July 11, 2003 (7/11/2003 07:04:00 PM) Sucks to BU NASA has announced that it's pulling out of an 89 million-dollar agreement with Boston University to build a satellite that would account for some of the original matter from the Big Bang. Despite BU offering former NASA head Daniel S. Goldin the chance to take over for John "the one-armed bandit" Silber as BU Fuhrer--er, President--NASA realized that maybe MIT or Harvard, both of which are directly across the Charles River (and visible from the BU campus area), may have been better choices. Boston University announced that they were cutting the football program Homecoming Weekend of my freshman year (1997), citing unprofitability as a main reason (the team was losing roughly $3 million per year). Since then, BU has lost $87 million in a stupid stock market venture with Seragen and now an $89 million contract with NASA. Combined, that's 59 years of football. Go Terriers! Archive (0) comments (7/11/2003 05:11:00 PM) More From Morgan Today's Joe Morgan chat fun: Will (Arizona): "Apparently, long and meritorious service is overlooked" [Note from Jeremy: this is a quote from Joe's column yesterday] Joe- We have the Hall of Fame to honor that, the All-Star game is about this season, thus far. Not the World Series teams from the previous season or the record holders or players in the last year. Nostalgia is nice, but let the guys who might have their only good year play in front of the best. Joe Morgan: That tells me you don't understand what an All-Star is. An All-Star is not a guy that has 3 good months. An All-Star is a person that is best at his position or best in his league. It's not just about 3 months. First, there is no select criteria for All-Star voting. That is why, for some people, Dontrelle Willis is an All-Star, and to some, any future Hall of Famer is. It is funny that Joe would say that an All-Star needs to be best at his position or in his league, when Clemens is definitely not either right now. In fact, in his column, Joe claims that Clemens should get in on the basis of his 300th win alone. By that rationale, Early Wynn should have been an All-Star the year he won his 300th game, even though it was his only win of the season and it took him nearly a year to get it. Joe shouldn't be telling someone they "don't know what an All-Star is" when 1) it isn't defined, and 2) his own opinions on the subject are illogical. Here's a quote from his article yesterday that undermines what he just said: An All-Star is a player who performs well for full seasons over the course of a career, not just one-half of a particular season. The main exception I would make is for rookies and other younger players who haven't had the opportunity to establish themselves as proven performers. For them, the first half should count more. Oh, so it's ok to count first-half stats only if the guy's young, but if he's someone like Melvin Mora, whose stats are off the charts for the first time in his career, we should tell him he's too old and it's too late to be an All-Star. Brilliant. Next question, please: Jon (NYC): Joe, I don't see the point in not letting hitters vote for pitchers. First, I'm sure that Yankee pitchers are just as unwilling to vote for Pedro as the hitters are. Also, who knows a pitcher better than someone who faced them. While I'm sure that pitchers pay attention to other pitchers, hitters are the only one's with first hand knowledge of how filthy their stuff actually is. Joe Morgan: Not true. Pitchers observe other pitchers better than hitters do in most cases. They want to know what makes them succcesful. If you don't believe there is antimosity when the voting comes .. the battle between pitchers and hitters becomes very adversarial at times. I'm sure there is someone in your workplace that you wouldn't vote for in a popularity contest. That is the point. Bull. Crap. How many times have you heard hitters in awe of an opposing pitchers' "stuff?" If you're a Twins fan, you've heard it a lot lately. American League relief pitchers would have quite a difficult time judging another team's hurler when they 1) never have to bat against him, and 2) rarely, if ever, see him pitch from closer than 300 feet. And even if a pitcher does study a star like Randy Johnson, they'd have a very difficult time copying what makes him successful. Joe seems to think that when players get ready for a game, they are more concerned with the people they will never face 1-on-1. If I had the power, I'd tell him how insipid this is firsthand. As it is, maybe someone else will. Ah, and as far as the "antimosity" (Joe's spelling, not mine) goes, yes, certain players or teams don't like each other. But if you're worried about "antimosity," Jon was right: it transcends the pitcher/hitter level; if you truly dislike someone so much that you refuse to vote for them in a survey of what is supposed to be based on skill, then I highly doubt you care what position they play. David (Myrtle Beach, SC): Joe, do you think baseball would be wise to eliminate the "Every team must have one representative" rule? Football and Basketball don't have it. Joe Morgan: Basketball there isn't as many players. Baseball has expanded from 25 players to 32. Every team should be represented. Fans support the Tampa Bay Devil Rays just like they do the Yankees. You are fans of a team, not always just players. The team you support all year should be represented so you will have someone to root for. It shouldn't be compared to other sports. Let's look at that again. "Basketball there isn't as many players." [sic] Three sentences later, "It shouldn't be compared to other sports." I could quit and just say Joe needs a MENSA logic puzzles book, but I won't. Requiring every team to have at least one representative means you end up with someone like Mike Williams of the Pirates (or Ron Coomer for the mid-90s Twins) becoming an All-Star when more deserving players are left off the roster. If the game is going to mean homefield advantage in the World Series (which I don't think it should, but that's another topic), then I don't want said advantage to be decided by Mike Williams pitching to Aubrey Huff in the ninth inning; I want Eric Gagne vs. Carlos Delgado or Mariano Rivera vs. Albert Pujols, not some AAA player in a Major League uniform. Next one: John (Stillwater, MN): What's your take on Bond's childish remarks about being a "grown man and not having to be in the Home Run Derby"? Joe Morgan: Barry has a right to decide what is right for him. At this point, he has competed in several HR derby's. He doesn't have to compete in all of them. Barry decided that Michael Jordan and Julius Erving didn't compete in the slam dunk competition all the time. He has done it enough in his opinion. Barry decided that Michael Jordan and Julius Erving didn't compete in the slam dunk competition all the time? Really? I would've figured Jordan and Erving (or possibly their agents) made the call on those decisions. Last one: Tommy (NY): Hey Joe, Do you think Pujols has a realistic shot at .400 or the Triple Crown? Joe Morgan: He doesn't have a shot at .400. That would be almost impossible for a right-hander. I don't think we will ever see that again. Also I don't think we will see a 56-game hit streak. Everyone wants to hit HRs now. It's hard to hit .400 while hitting HRs. Also with so many pitching changes, hitting in 56 in a row would be almost impossible. Especially for a right hander, there are too many dominant right handed pitchers. As for the Triple Crown, will Barry Bonds quit in the middle of the season? If he keeps playing, it will be tough for Pujols. It's so difficult, that's why you only see it every 50 years or so. Here's a list of Triple Crown winner in the Major Leagues (courtesy of HistoricBaseball.com: 1887 Tip O'Neill St. Louis (AA) 14* 123 .442 1894 Hugh Duffy Boston (NL) 18 145 .438 1901 Nap Lajoie Philadelphia (AL) 14 125 .422 1909 Ty Cobb Detroit (AL) 9 107 .377 1922 Rogers Hornsby St. Louis (NL) 42 152 .401 1925 Rogers Hornsby St. Louis (NL) 39 143 .403 1933 Jimmie Foxx Philadelphia (AL) 48 163 .356 1933 Chuck Klein Philadelphia (NL) 28 120 .368 1934 Lou Gehrig New York (AL) 49 165 .363 1937 Joe Medwick St. Louis (NL) 31* 154 .374 1942 Ted Williams Boston (AL) 36 137 .356 1947 Ted Williams Boston (AL) 32 114 .343 1956 Mickey Mantle New York (AL) 52 130 .353 1966 Frank Robinson Baltimore (AL) 49 122 .316 1967 Carl Yastrzemski Boston (AL) 44* 121 .326 Fifteen winners over the course of 126 years (the National League began in 1876) works out to one every 8-9 years. We are currently in the longest Triple Crown drought in history, and that's only 35 seasons (36 if nobody does it this year). The only way Joe is remotely accurate about this is if by "50 or so" he meant "35 or fewer." Otherwise, he is once again talking out of his rear end. Need I remind anyone that Mr. Morgan is the author of Baseball for Dummies? Lest I go too hard on the guy, here is one answer I actually do agree with: Marcus (Dallas): Mr. Morgan, how do you feel about "us", the fans, getting to pick the MVP of the All Star Game? Joe Morgan: I don't know. (Laughing). The one problem I have with all the changes is you only make changes when you feel something is wrong with the game. TV can't make this game exciting. Only the players can. The fact that the ads for the game is "Now it really counts." To me, that is a slap in the face to Ted Williams, Willie Mays, all the great players. They already played the game like it counted. Exactly. Perhaps Joe should bring this up with the other most annoying man in baseball, Bud Selig. Archive (0) comments (7/11/2003 04:08:00 PM) Springer Throws Hat, Chair Into the Ring Jerry Springer will file the necessary papers for an U.S. Senate bid. The 59-year-old talk show host/former mayor of Cincinnati will run as a Democrat (insert right-slanted jokes here). As someone who detests Springer's show, I am actually glad to see him join the race. Listening to him on C-Span a few years ago, I realized that despite the bottom-feeder IQs of his guests, he is an intelligent, articulate man. Additionally, his political experience is more relevant than was that of Jesse "The Thin Skin" Ventura before he took office in 1998. This is a perfect time for Springer to take the next step in his life; an Opera based on his show is selling out in London, and he can't possibly host his show forever. With the line between entertainment and politics growing thinner every day (remember Dubya on the aircraft carrier?), Springer's run is not only condonable, but possibly endorsable. Archive (0) comments (7/11/2003 03:10:00 PM) Labatt's and Beck's Here are the pictures of Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki drunk out of their minds, courtesy of SportsbyBrooks.com. Worth 1,000 words, indeed. 
Archive (0) comments (7/11/2003 02:24:00 PM) Now THAT'S Irony A golf cart dressed up to look like Lizzie Grubman's SUV hit a boy during a Fourth of July parade in Southampton, New York, broke the kid's leg, and kept going. Two years ago, Grubman backed her SUV into a crowd of people outside the Conscience Point Inn, a Hamptons nightclub, injuring 16. In another delicious twist, the boy's family hired Andrew Siben, who also represents one of Grubman's 16 victims, as their lawyer. Archive (0) comments (7/11/2003 11:15:00 AM) Justice Served She might be number one in her class, but Blair Hornstine is not going to Harvard. The home of the Crimson may be a club based on nepotism. They may be buying up all the land in Lower Allston (where I live) in an attempt to spread their influence south of the Charles River. They may even graduate more than 80 percent of their students with honors. But at least they stood up to the poster child for whining and parental string-pulling, rescinding their offer in lieu of her blatant plagiarism. Off to Yale for you, Blair! Have fun in Connecticut! And special thanks to Georgiana Cohen, Boston.com employee, who alerted me to this. Archive (0) comments Thursday, July 10, 2003 (7/10/2003 08:58:00 PM) Money for Nothing, Soldiers for Free Even the Army Times is beginning to question the Bush Administration's policies. This editorial includes the following examples of "listen to what we say, not what we do:" 1) The White House is against a measure that would double the amount the family of a soldier killed in the line of duty receives. As it is, the amount is a paltry $6,000. 2) The Adminstration also wants to roll "imminent danger pay" back from $225 per month to $150 per month. For more sad news, read the article. Archive (0) comments (7/10/2003 08:40:00 PM) Double Shot of Rummy Donald Rumsfeld admitted today that the estimated costs of continued occupation of Iraq have almost doubled, from 2 billion to 3.9 billion dollars per month. Meanwhile, as Time Magazine reports, Rummy ordered the Army War College's Peacekeeping Institute closed in order to save costs (I'd link to the Institute's website, but it has been shut down). The government's only peacekeeping entity had a one million-dollar annual budget. The rest of the military? $400 billion. Archive (0) comments (7/10/2003 08:30:00 PM) Jason Kidd-ing? After the story broke today that Jason Kidd would only consider coming back to the New Jersey Nets next season if coach Byron Scott were fired, Kidd's wife, Joumana, stepped in, claiming by phone that the story was completely false. Yet unsubstantiated is the rumor that Jason was on the phone's other extension, clenching his fist. Archive (0) comments (7/10/2003 08:26:00 PM) Place Your Bets The Los Angeles Lakers will win the NBA title next year, after signing Gary Payton and Karl Malone this offseason. The Colorado Avalanche will do the same in the NHL (if it still exists), having signed Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne for prices so low, you'd think they suffered brain damage. The two clubs are so good, they would even beat a team comprised solely of mini-Ditkas. Archive (0) comments (7/10/2003 08:12:00 PM) Israeli Police Arrest Saddam Hussein Good news! But it's not that Saddam Hussein. Archive (0) comments (7/10/2003 08:09:00 PM) Man Beats Dog Before Sportscenter ran it into the ground like a Randy Stoklos spike, Randall Simon's assault and battery (no pun intended) of a racing Italian sausage was the most amusing story of the season. (However, despite what Sportscenter claimed, I feel that the Sammy Sosa corked bat incident was still the most shocking event of the '03 campaign.) A year to the day after Bud Selig couldn't figure out how to end the All-Star Game in Milwaukee's Miller Park with a definite winner, the stadium was home to another rare occurrence. As the seventh-inning stretch weiner race ran by the Pittsburgh Pirates' dugout, first baseman Randall Simon clunked one of the runners on the back of the costume, a couple feet above her head. She and another racer fell down and sustained bruised knees, but Simon got the worst of the situation: he left the park in handcuffs! Given Simon's propensity to swing at anything near the plate, I suppose taking a cut at something edible wasn't entirely out of character for him. Rick Schlesinger, the Brewers' executive vice president of business operations, said, "This is one of the most outrageous things I've ever seen inside a ballpark or outside a ballpark. It sickened me to see it...This is in no way a reflection on the Pirates. It's an insane act of a person whose conduct is unjustifiable. Larry [Silverman, legal counsel for the Pirates] is as shocked and distressed as I am...I can't put into words the anger I feel and the sense of outrage I have. We've had the sausage race every day for years and never had something like this happen." Fortunately, the barely-injured racers and the Milwaukee DA realized the innocence--and humor--in the situation, and decided not to file charges. As it is, Simon paid a $432 fine for disorderly conduct. The Sausage got its revenge, however, as it won the race this afternoon. For video of the bizarre incident (and evidence that the Italian sausage was starting to lose her balance before Simon hit her), click here. Archive (0) comments (7/10/2003 07:54:00 PM) That's Lisa, Our Little Walking Liberry It's amazing enough that Lance Armstrong is currently the favorite to win his record-tying fifth straight Tour de France. What's even more mind-blowing is that the AP Writer behind this article (see the 11th paragraph: "In Wednesday's fourth stage...") thinks "orientated" is a legitimate word. If they're going to hire people that illiterate, they may as well hire me. Archive (0) comments Wednesday, July 09, 2003 (7/09/2003 10:23:00 PM) Look What a Little Research Can Do I know the whole "Freedom Toast" thing is over, but after reading this article, which explains the AMERICAN (New York) origins of French toast (named after Joseph French), the idea looks even more stupid in retrospect than it did initially. Archive (0) comments (7/09/2003 10:15:00 PM) Could'a Fooled Me According to Donald Rumsfeld, WMDs were not the reason America went to war with Iraq. Neither was oil. Or, apparently, setting up a democracy. Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are (probably) alive, American soldiers are dying every few days despite the conflict being "over" for two months, and there still hasn't been any evidence of Iraqi WMDs. Of course, this doesn't matter, because Bill Clinton got a BJ in the Oval Office and Hillary's a power hungry lesbian, right? Surely Congress will jump on this the way they jumped on the Lewinsky scandal, right? Right? Good thing the Republicans have Ari Fleischer and Karl Rove to clean this up. If Major League Baseball had those two, they'd convince the American public to make every All-Star game end in a tie. Archive (0) comments (7/09/2003 09:48:00 PM) Standard Rates I may not often agree with The Weekly Standard, but here are two issues where we see eye-to-eye: Blair Hornstine (thanks to Steve Silver for pointing this out) and Michael Lewis' Moneyball. Archive (0) comments (7/09/2003 06:53:00 PM) Coincidence? I Think Not On June 16th, I wrote: Hume Cronyn died Sunday, completing the triumverate started by Gregory Peck and David Brinkley. Bob Hope and Strom Thurmond can rest easy tonight. Ten days later, Strom was dead. However, the past few weeks have included more celebrity deaths than usual. In addition to Cronyn, Peck, Brinkley, and Thurmond, Katharine Hepburn, my favorite actress of all time, died recently, as did Buddy Ebsen, Buddy Hackett, the incredibly undersung Larry Doby, and the great Barry White. Putting fate to the test, I will write that, due to the triumverate of triumverate deaths, Bob Hope and Bob Dole are safe...for now... Archive (0) comments (7/09/2003 06:41:00 PM) Hornstining Update Alex Popov, the man who originally caught Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball in 2001, may find that his inability to share right away--or to hold onto the ball--cost him upwards of $250,000. Popov's lawyer, Martin Triano, is suing him for $473,500--$248,500 more than Popov's share of the auction. What does this have to do with Blair Hornstine? Check out this post. Archive (0) comments (7/09/2003 03:09:00 PM) Rocks in Their Heads According to researchers from Canada (where else?), Stonehenge is not an ancient timekeeping device or a way to measure the seasons, but rather a picture of a large vagina. Perhaps the scientists should lay off the Molson and the B.C. Bud.  Next month's Playboy centerfold? Archive (0) comments (7/09/2003 02:51:00 PM) Twins Troubles Rob Neyer explains what those of us who read Aaron's Baseball Blog already know: the Twins' problem is not a lack of talent, but rather misuse of that talent. Here are pitcher Johan Santana's statistics as a starter over the past couple years (thanks to Neyer for the stats): Starts: 16 Innings: 93 Walks: 41 K's: 106 ERA: 2.72 Meanwhile, here are the ERAs of the Twins' starters this year: Joe Mays: 6.57 Brad Radke: 5.56 Kenny Rogers: 4.87 Kyle Lohse: 4.63 Rick Reed: 4.54 Yet, Santana is just now getting a chance to start somewhat regularly--and only then because Eric Milton has been on the DL all year and Joe Mays is pitching like a Little Leaguer (a real Little Leaguer, not a Danny Almonte-type). It took a year and a half for Manager Ron Gardenhire and GM Terry Ryan to realize that Mays' 2001 season was a fluke. Had Santana been starting all year, he could have been the second Twin on the All-Star team. The Twins can blame Questec all they want, but Santana has been pitching in the same circumstances, and his ERA is more than 1.8 runs better than any other starter on the staff. Meanwhile Cristian Guzman (to an extent) and Luis Rivas (to a large extent) are wasting at-bats left and right (literally, as Guzman is a switch-hitter). Despite trading Brian "Buck" Buchanan a while back, the Twins have a plethora of 1B/LF/RF/DH-types, including Bobby Kielty, Dustan Mohr, Justin Morneau, Fatty LeCroy, and, at the minor league level, the Mikes--Michael Restovich and Michael Cuddyer. There is absolutely no reason the team needs this many above-average hitters for three batting positions. To be honest, this number should be three and a half batting positions, as Jacque Jones has no business in the lineup against left handed pitching. The Twins need to trade a couple of these prospects (I recommend Cuddyer and Fatty) for a solid middle infielder or two with some pop in his bat. In this era of inflated power, the Twins middle infielders have combined for one home run in 550 at-bats. That might even be ok if the two walked once in awhile or were able to steal bases at more than a 62% clip. But since they don't, the fact that Gardenhire pencils their names into the lineup every day is inexcusable and pathetic. Ah yes, Gardenhire. The man who looks like one of the elves in those old Rankin-Bass "Animagic" Christmas specials. People have lauded the job Gardenhire has done, but I wonder if the Twins' success since 2001 hasn't been despite Mr. Gardenhire, rather than because of him. Since 2001 (when Tom Kelly resigned as manager), the Twins' baserunning ability has gone down the toilet. In 2001, Kelly's Twins stole 146 bases and were caught 67 times--a 69% success rate. Not good, but not terrible. Last year, Gardenhire's Twins stole 79 bases and were caight 62 times--a terrible 56% rate. This year, the Twins are at 66% (47 for 71), which is better than last year, but still lags behind 2001 in both quality and quantity. With some of the fastest players (and the fastest surface) in the Major Leagues, there is no reason for the Twins to be throwing away as many outs on the basepaths as they have over the past season and a half. Ultimately, Gardenhire is the one who gives the steal sign, and Gardenhire is the one who must be held accountable for the Twins' terrible baserunning. But this isn't Gardenhire's only problem. Last week when I was home, I took a game against Cleveland. In the second inning, with runners on first and second and no out and number seven batter Lew Ford (314/386/510, albeit in limited action) at the plate, Gardy had Ford sacrifice bunt! Who was coming up behind Ford? Those sluggers Tom Prince (38-year-old journeyman catcher hitting .200) and Luis Rivas (whose problems I explained earlier). Needless to say, Prince struck out, and Rivas grounded out weakly to second. No runs, one hit, no errors, two left on base. With starting pitching as bad as the Twins have, only a fool would play for one run in the second inning. Neyer admits that the Twins might be dummy-proof, and it's true--they might just coast to the AL Central title. But the team has some big holes right now, and unless it takes action to fill them, 2003 may be the last of what could have been a long run atop the division. Archive (0) comments Tuesday, July 08, 2003 (7/08/2003 08:07:00 PM) Canadian Imports We can now add Peter Jennings to the list of things started in Canada but more often enjoyed by Americans. The list includes Molson Beer, the Stanley Cup, dozens of comedians (from Carvey to Candy), and dissing the French (Quebec only). The ABC newsman became an American citizen May 30. Tomorrow on Faux News: "Give Him Back: the 'Fair and Balanced' Reasons to Deport Clinton-Loving Commie Peter Jennings." Archive (0) comments (7/08/2003 08:01:00 PM) This Explains Those Large Catholic Families The Rhythm Method is a load of crap. Up to 40 percent of women ovulate more than once a month. This also reminds me of the old joke: Q: What do you call people who use the rhythm method for birth control? A: Parents Archive (0) comments (7/08/2003 08:00:00 PM) Oops, I Lied to America Again You know the regular posting is back when it includes Britney Spears. The diminuitive diva joins the White House in finally admitting something most people have been pretty sure of for quite some time, but that the admitting party had previously (and repeatedy) lied about: she slept with Justin Timberlake. Archive (0) comments (7/08/2003 07:56:00 PM) That's Uranium, Not Mine The White House has finally admitted that Bush's claim that Iraq attempted to buy African uranium was completely false. This claim was one of the larger supports for the "evidence" that there were "definitely" WMD's in Iraq. Like most people, I have no clue whether there are or aren't. But if I were the Bush Administration, I would have used Saddam Hussein's human rights violations as the linchpin of my argument to invade Iraq, rather than the unprovable existence of yet to be found weapons. Archive (0) comments (7/08/2003 12:41:00 PM) Goodbye I said goodbye to my Grandpa for the final time yesterday morning, kissing him on the forehead and telling him I loved him as he slept in our guest room. The next time I see him will probably be at his funeral. I'm back in Boston now, trying to make progress with the rest of my life. Regular blogging will resume soon. Archive (0) comments Friday, July 04, 2003 (7/04/2003 10:56:00 AM) Happy Fourth of July Wave the flag today. And if you're a veteran, take a good, hard look at how our current president proposed (the proposal was passed by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives--just after they passed a bill supporting the troops in Iraq) to cut your benefits. My original post about this travesty is here. Archive (0) comments Tuesday, July 01, 2003 (7/01/2003 05:22:00 PM) I haven't updated in a few days, mostly because it would be wrong of me to throw out flippant remarks and insults in light of the events of the past half week. I would also be remiss if I didn't explain the reason behind the delay: In January, my grandfather, was diagnosed with lung cancer. (He has smoked for about 50 of his 75 years.) He began radiation and chemotherapy treatments, and while they upset his stomach for a few days afterward, he felt well enough to live at his own house in Sartell, MN and drive the hour and a half to the hospital--or at least to my mom's house, which was much closer to the hospital. The past few months, he spent more and more nights at my mom's house and fewer and fewer nights at his own. Eventually, he was only returning to his home on weekends. My mom would take him to breakfast before his radiation and chemo treatments, and he seemed to be doing well. He made a goal to live 5 more years--until he was 80. A couple weeks ago, Grandpa took a turn for the worse. Doctors found that the cancer had spread to his liver and kidney. My mom called me in Boston and asked me to come home for a family picture--every single one of my grandfather's children (5) and grandchildren (12) would be in town for the first time in a long time, and the last time for who knows how long. I had to fly out the day after the Sports Institute ended, which meant that I would have to skip an end-of-class party I was planning (as well as helping my girlfriend study for her calculus final), but neither of those reasons justify my being the only one to skip the picture. My mom cashed in a bunch of frequent flier miles, and I flew home to Minnesota Saturday. About a week ago, Grandpa had started throwing up everything he ate or drank. He could sometimes hold down water, but that was it. When I came home Saturday morning, I was surprised to, for the first time, see my grandfather as an old man. His mobility was impaired and he threw up the can of Ensure we tried to get him to drink. He looked terrible as we sat for the pictures--so terrible that my mom and my aunt drove him from the photographer's house directly to the hospital. He hasn't been to either house since. Grandpa got an IV that day, which rehydrated him somewhat. He still couldn't keep any food down. The doctors decided to take a CT scan of his brain, and they found two large tumors there--tumors that were probably making him throw up. This was the first time in my life I heard anyone mention my Grandpa crying. Meanwhile, the doctors said there are "too many lesions on his liver to count." They gave Grandpa a radiation treatment for the brain tumors with the hope that he would at least be able to eat again soon--he would, in theory, have a similar quality of life as before, at least until the cancer finally took over. Grandpa has been in the hospital since Saturday. He still hasn't eaten, but they are discharging him tomorrow. He will live at my mom's house and visit the hospital every day for radiation on his brain. The whole family is resigned to the fact that the cancer will win. Right now, we are just hoping he is able to eat again so he can attempt to live like a normal person, and not a dying old man. Now he has to make the decision of whether to fight the cancer as hard as he can or try to live as comfortably as possible until he succumbs. I'm really glad I came home for that picture. Archive (0) comments |
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